Published November 21, 2006
I'm not sure about this one, but it seems all right.
her eyes began to water
turning red from the pain
it brought back memories
of those who lost their war
the stinging intensified
as blood began to pour
the life she once had
flashed before her eyes
memories of her sad past
it brought more pain
harsh words filled her head
soon she’ll have no life
it brought more pain
harsh words filled her head
soon she’ll have no life
the pain was suddenly gone
a flash of light before her eyes
before the world went black
she awaken and stared at the roof
trying to remember her past
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,573 Literary Works • 673,518 Reviews
it doesn't flow at all but you know this but it has potential if you took time and went over it and fixed it up a little then you could get something out of it. some parts seemed to be repetitive but it has a lot of potential...now I am being repetitive XD
i agree with the above but it seems easy to work with, the wording just needs to be rearranged alittle. Ane possibly a little more emotion on your part. Not trying to sound elitist but i know sometimes i write so much or when i'm bored and i put a bunch of pretty words on a piece of paper and its boring adn useless. if you put a little more of you into it it might just turn out really really great. cause really i didnt think it was all that bad.
This wasn't that bad, but definitely has plenty of room for reworking. I didn't catch what exactly she was so sad about (her past, but what about it?) Also, the third stanza was basically repeating the second. I would either scrap that one stanza or really rework it into something totally different from the previous.
I agree. Actually I had no idea why I posted this or even why I did it. I look at it now and it doesn't even make sense to me, actually it never made sense to me at all.
I think the last comment was a bit harsh (no offence intended) but I do agree with some of the points. I didn't think the rhythm flowed very well but with some more work it could be good.
I really didn't like this. The rhythm was off [of course...could entirely also be the fact that trace atkins is playing in the background while I am readin it], it seemed like the order of things was off, there was some repetition where I don't think you meant for there to be repetition. Overall, there is just nothing in this poem that would make me force myself to read it again. It's boring, the imagery isn't astonishing or anything, the ending is weak and frankly a little confusing.
Hope I helping
Meg